Daily Lives of the Death Eaters
by Maisie Malfoy
Summary: A collection focusing on what exactly the Death Eaters do when they aren't killing and torturing. First: Draco learns what his father gets up to when his mother is away. Currently: A beach trip brings back some memories.
1. When Narcissa is Away

**When Narcissa is Away**

 **Written for the Death Eaters Have Gone Astray Challenge.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Snape would have owned a poodle.**

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"Now, Draco," Lucius began, as soon as he heard the door to the manor close behind his wife. "I am sure you know why I have summoned you to my bedroom?"

Draco looked around the room. He saw the large bed his mother and father shared at night, the oversized mirror to the side that he had caught his mother staring into for hours at a time, and what he strongly hoped was _not_ a pair of his father's underwear under the bed. He had no idea why Lucius had asked him to come here when any other room would do.

"Of course." This wasn't exactly true, but Lucius just seemed so _excited_ about all of this. Draco was fully aware of what happened when someone didn't understand his father's excitement.

Satisfied with his son's answer, Lucius opened the closet-not his own closet, but Narcissa's closet-and took out a dress. "Isn't it beautiful?" he asked Draco.

The two Malfoy men had entirely different ideas of "beautiful." The dress Lucius was holding was a shade of pink that made Draco think of a ham. The garment itself looked like something a five-year-old girl might wear, with a large bow in the back. Draco wasn't sure he wanted to know why his mother owned something like that.

"What are we doing with that?"

Draco hoped his father would say something along the lines of, "Burn it," Instead, he pulled down the zipper of the dress and hastily began removing his clothes.

He could only stare in shock as his father shimmied into the dress like he did it every day. When he was finished, Lucius turned to his son. "Draco, would you mind?"

"Mind what?"

Lucius gave Draco an annoyed look. "The zipper, Draco."

Draco pulled the zipper.

"Much better," said Lucius, admiring his reflection. "I've always liked this dress. It reminds me of what your mother wore when I met her."

When Draco was younger, conversations about his parents meeting usually led to one of them saying, "And then we had you," and giving him ice cream. Now, however, it led to Lucius saying, "Your turn," and giving him another of Narcissa's dresses.

This one was green. Good. A color Draco could stomach.

"What are you waiting for?" Lucius demanded. "Put it on!"

Draco reluctantly obeyed. The dress he had donned wasn't as ugly as his father's, but this one itched. "Father, this isn't exactly comfortable," he said.

"It's not meant to be comfortable, Draco," replied Lucius. "Part of being a woman is learning how to deal with uncomfortable clothes."

Draco could handle his father's strange hobby. He could even join in if his father wanted him to _that_ badly (and there weren't many people that could make him put on an itchy dress). What threw him off a bit was Lucius saying, "part of being a woman."

So he questioned this.

"Well, Draco, I find the clothing, lifestyle, and social habits of the woman to be more appealing than those traditionally offered to men," said Lucius. "Of course, society frowns upon that, so I have to sneak in here when your mother goes out and put on her dresses."

"Why does this involve me?" asked Draco.

Lucius looked slightly taken aback, but quickly recomposed himself as all Malfoy men are taught to do. "As a boy your age..."

"I'm seventeen."

"As a young man your age, I was never given the opportunity to experiment with such things. I simply wanted you to know what appeals more to you."

"Thank you...Father," Draco stammered. "That was very...educational."

As Draco collected his clothes and left the room, Lucius could tell he didn't believe a word he had said. That was okay. As long as no one ever found out that Lucius did it because it made him feel pretty.

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 **Reviews are always appreciated.**


	2. Caterpillar Tongues

**Caterpillar Tongues**

 **Written for Caesar's Palace Shipping Week with prompt anteater, as well as a personal challenge to myself to use the phrase "caterpillar tongue" in one of my stories.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Hagrid would have done ballet.**

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Rabastan had known before he even suggested it that taking Amycus to a Muggle zoo would be a bad idea.

He knew that if even one thing didn't go according to plan, they ran the risk of Amycus letting the animals out of their enclosures. There was a reason Death Eaters didn't take frequent trips into the Muggle world.

But from the minute Rabastan let the idea slip, Amycus's excitement was contagious.

It was easy enough to get in, and Rabastan was pleased to observe that Amycus seemed to be behaving himself nicely.

Except, of course, for the fact that Amycus would have stood by the anteaters all day if Rabastan let him.

Rabastan tried, but he couldn't understand what Amycus found so fascinating about them, so he asked him.

"It's their tongues," said Amycus, pausing to watch as one of the anteaters stuck its tongue out at the pair.

"I see the connection," Rabastan replied. "You like them because they have long tongues. Just like you."

"My tongue is not that long!" Amycus insisted.

"True, but it's not that much shorter. Not to mention that they both distinctly remind me of a caterpillar."

"So you're saying I have a caterpillar tongue?"

"No, I'm saying it reminds me of the anteater's tongue," said Rabastan. "Of course, that does look like a caterpillar."

Amycus looked offended as he stalked away from the anteaters, and Rabastan wasn't sure whether it was true offense or just Amycus trying to hide his amusement. Either way, at least it had enabled them to move on and see some other animals.

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 **Reviews are always appreciated.**


	3. Lucius Malfoy Has a Bad Day

**Lucius Malfoy Has a Bad Day**

 **Written for the crackfic challenge on RoR as well as Dragon's birthday.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Aragog would have married McGonagall.**

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After all his years of service as a Death Eater, Lucius was used to being awoken by unexpected pain in his lower left forearm. He had been risen this way so many times that he barely cared anymore.

But this...this was far worse.

Lucius woke up to the sound of Bellatrix jumping up and down on his bed, announcing, "The Dark Lord requests your presence for a meeting!"

"Bellatrix," he mumbled, still groggy and half asleep. "Please stop."

She refused until Narcissa captured her ankle and ordered her to leave. Bellatrix glared at both of them and said, "You don't have to be so rude," before she left.

With his clothes on and hair freshly brushed, Lucius arrived downstairs for the meeting and took his usual seat between his wife and son. In his hands was the object the Dark Lord had asked him to bring.

His master arrived with a barely audible pop and a, "Pleasant morning, my Death Eaters." which was followed by identical salutations and grunts from Crabbe and Goyle.

"Before we can begin, I believe I have asked a favor from Lucius."

Lucius stood up and offered the Dark Lord the requested jar of peanut butter.

His master's expression turned to disbelief as he said, "Crunchy peanut butter? Lucius, crunchy peanut butter is not fit for Lord Voldemort's consumption. Any true Death Eater knows creamy peanut butter is the way to go."

Lucius felt awful enough with the Dark Lord telling him what a failure he was, and Bellatrix's uncontrollable laughing did not help matters.

After the dreadful morning meeting, Lucius was served breakfast by an incompetent house elf that served him strawberry pancakes instead of blueberry. He thrust his sock at the elf, but it didn't solve the problem of his inedible breakfast.

He decided to take to the parlor and read for a while. All he could find was one of those silly romance novels Narcissa was always reading, but it was enough to take his mind off things.

But once he was a few chapters in, he was aroused by a small commotion. Lucius peered over to see what it was.

Sitting on the floor was Alecto, who Lucius was horrified to see was biting his cane. He pulled it away from her and yelled, "No, we do not bite Snakie!" over her tears, but there were still teeth marks in his beloved cane. "Oh, grow up," he grumbled as he left the room.

The day refused to get any better for Lucius. He tried to unwind in the pool, but it rained and he had to get inside before his hair got wet. Lucius was dismayed to learn that Draco had eaten all the Toaster Strudels, so he couldn't enjoy his favorite snack. And Narcissa informed him that her mother would be having them over for tea tomorrow. Lucius didn't care for his mother-in-law. Bellatrix always called her a sniffy old lady, and he couldn't really blame her.

Lucius decided it was time for a bath. He could soak as the hot water melted this horrible day away. He could even try the new shampoo Bellatrix had given him for his birthday.

The bath felt nice, and the shampoo left his hair feeling smooth. Lucius would have to use it more often.

He decided shortly afterward that he would never touch it again.

His beautiful hair was no longer the sleek Malfoy blond. Instead it was an almost lavender shade of purple.

When Narcissa asked him where he was going, he replied, "I'm off to murder your sister for what she did to my luscious hair!"

His wife sighed and deposited him in a chair, then began giving him the same old speech about things getting better she gave him every time he had a bad day. He knew it all by heart until she said, "Though, dear, purple hair does suit you."

After the day he had had, Lucius was too tired to argue or do much more than hope the purple would come out in the morning. He bade Narcissa goodnight and lay in the darkness hoping tomorrow might be better.

No. Of course it wouldn't. Because he had to attend a tea with Narcissa's sniffy old mother.

Just lovely.

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 **Reviews are always appreciated.**


	4. In the Way

**In the Way**

 **Written for Credence's birthday and the Forum-Inspired Fics event.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Dumbledore would have run around in a bathrobe.**

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Credence and Nagini looked up from the table full of flyers when Dragon entered the kitchen with Alecto in her arms, nibbling a grain of rice. She seemed to be in good spirits, as Dragon appeared to have rice in a few strange places, but Alecto's eyes were still rimmed in red from Maisie's departure a few minutes earlier.

"Alecto will be staying with us for a few days, so that Maisie and Amycus can go on their honeymoon," Dragon explained, pausing to shift Alecto so that she could remove a grain of rice from her ear. "I thought I'd make some cupcakes to make her feel a little better."

That wouldn't be so bad, Credence decided as he returned to coloring a flyer. As long as Alecto was kind to Nagini, her presence wouldn't be a problem. And a cupcake sounded good right about now.

Dinner proceeded as usual, except for the fact that Dragon had to redirect Alecto a few times by telling her it was time to eat, not play with rice. After the plates were cleared, she set a cupcake in front of everyone. Alecto's face and hands were covered in frosting by the time she was halfway through hers. Nagini savored every mouthful, cupcakes being her favorite food besides the flesh of muggles. Once again, Credence marveled at Dragon's ability to prepare something with a nice amount of flavor that was easy enough on his stomach.

That night, after Alecto was comfortably tucked into her rice nest and calmed to sleep with the obituaries of sniffy old ladies, Dragon returned downstairs to spend a little time with Credence before bed, enabling him to drift off to sleep in the warm safety of her embrace.

Yes, everything would be fine.

X

The second day Alecto spent there was more eventful than the first, but in a good way. Credence finished coloring the last of the flyers, and spent the day painting the house with Nagini and Alecto. When they finally finished well into the evening, the house looked like a shiny paint factory had exploded within its walls.

Unfortunately, when the sun left for the evening, it took the beauty of the day with it. The night lingered on, and though he tried, Credence found it impossible to get to sleep.

Dragon provided warm milk and graham crackers, but it wasn't the same as his usual potion. It occurred to Credence that she might have been able to prepare it for him if she weren't so busy caring for Alecto. He tried not to feel particularly bitter over it, though, as he knew it wasn't Alecto's fault. Things came up. Everything would be straightened out soon.

Sure enough, the warm milk and graham crackers worked.

X

Credence awoke to Nagini informing him that Dragon had left to purchase potion ingredients and pay a visit to the produce section.

Of course, she'd brought Alecto.

He was beginning to wonder if this was intentional.

Why, he thought, would Dragon trouble herself with him when she could have the much more manageable Alecto? Alecto didn't require potions made for her at all hours of the night. She didn't need separate meals prepared because her stomach could only handle so much. She didn't run the risk of destroying the house if she became upset.

Alecto was one thing. Credence was quite another.

It was okay. He was used to it.

X

Dragon spent another day gone well into the night, returning only after Alecto had fallen asleep in her arms. Credence had had Nagini to keep him company while she was away, but that didn't stop him from missing her.

He knew she could not say the same. Dragon most likely needed some time to recover after a while of caring for him.

"I would have been home sooner," she told him, as soon as she'd deposited Alecto in her rice nest. "but we ran into Bellatrix, and of course she and Alecto wanted to play with a few muggles. I had to wait until Alecto tired herself out to try taking her home."

"It's okay, Ma. I understand," Credence said as he watched Nagini slither across their feet before curling up under the couch. "I know I get in the way. You don't have to apologize."

At once, Dragon's expression changed.

"Credence," Suddenly she sounded so concerned. Credence flinched at the tone. He hadn't meant to upset her. "Of course you don't get in the way, not of things I enjoy doing, of anything. And even when necessary, caring for you is more important than some activity I can always reschedule."

She would put something else aside if he needed her to. Credence wasn't used to that kind of consideration.

"I know things are a little difficult right now with Alecto being here, and I do need to take care of her, but that says nothing about you, Credence. You are my baby, and I love you very much. I always will."

"Thank you. That's kind of you to say."

Smiling softly, Dragon summoned some graham crackers, took a seat on the couch, and patted the place beside her. When Credence took it, she handed him a cracker and gently wrapped an arm around him, tethering him to her.

They stayed like that for a while, caught in a tender moment shared between mother and son, for a while, until long after the sun had returned to illuminate the world a little while longer. The silence was broken only when Alecto, discontented with her rice nest for the morning, emerged downstairs, decided she too wanted to cuddle, and curled up on Dragon's other side.

"Alecto," Dragon turned a bit to face her. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to be playing with Fiona," Alecto said, sitting up and rubbing the final traces of sleep from her eyes. "Auntie Dragon, does Blueberry want to play with her too?"

Credence glanced uncertainly at the shiny puff, then at her owner.

"Go on, Creeds," Dragon gave her son a gentle nudge. "A little pygmy puff play sounds like a fun way to spend the rest of the morning. Besides, it will give me time to think about what to make for lunch."

As they moved to the floor so that Blueberry and Fiona could have more room to skitter about, Dragon got up from the couch. Before she left the room, Credence saw her give him a reassuring smile.

Yes. Everything would be fine.

(Even if Blueberry had decided he liked chewing on his fingers.)

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 **Reviews are always appreciated.**


	5. The Birth of Caterpillar Tongue Man

**The Birth of Caterpillar Tongue Man**

 _Written for Amycus's birthday and Death Eater of the Month._

There were tongues everywhere when Amycus made his way downstairs for the morning. Wait...tongues? That didn't seem right. Amycus slapped himself across the face with his caterpillar tongue in an attempt to wake himself up.

The tongues were still there, but now Amycus could see that these were merely party decorations. Maisie had decorated the house for his birthday.

"It's beautiful," Amycus said to her, caterpillar tongue snaking its way around her waist. "Thank you, my darling Maisie."

Maisie gently pressed a kiss to her husband's cheek. "Why, thank you. Though I suppose I shouldn't take all the credit."

Amycus looked beyond Maisie, into the kitchen, where Alecto sat on the floor doing something he couldn't quite make out. He quickly realized, though, that Alecto was engaging in one of her favorite activities: drawing pictures and sticking them to the wall. Most of his sister's drawings featured him licking things, but to his slight horror, one of them was an illustration of the scene at his bachelor party, the one where he mentioned chickens emerging from a cake. Amycus was more than a little dismayed to learn that Alecto still remembered that.

But he dropped the matter. Alecto just wanted to decorate the house for his birthday, and overall, she had done a splendid job.

When she noticed him, Alecto announced, "Happy birthday, Amycus!" before proceeding to pick up her latest drawing and affix it to his caterpillar tongue. "Mmm, cheese," he burbled, prompting laughter from Maisie and Alecto.

Maisie explained to the two of them that she had made reservations for the family to go to dinner, and after they returned home, she had ordered a cake. "Though I must ask, do you plan to eat the cake or are you just going to lick the frosting off?"

"Both," Amycus responded, with a lick to his wife's ear.

The couple proceeded to share a romantic moment, only noticing how mushy they were when Alecto made a disgusted sound and returned to the kitchen to resume drawing.

X

"Malfoy reservation for three."

The woman at the restaurant seemed almost confused as she took in the family that had just arrived. Amycus was happily licking everything in sight, including a few unfortunate diners, and Maisie carried the shoeless Alecto, who clutched a bag of rice.

"Miss Malfoy," the woman said to Maisie. "I was under the impression that you required three adult reservations."

She likely regretted that statement when Alecto said, "I'm _twenty-four_ , you sniffy old lady!" and threw some rice in her face, and Amycus gathered all the rice back up with his caterpillar tongue. The sniffy old lady retreated, and they were shown to their table by a much less sniffy man.

The three placed their orders soon after being seated. It took a while for their meals to arrive, but Amycus, once again, entertained himself by licking everything he could reach with his caterpillar tongue. Maisie regarded both him and his sister, whose portion of the table was primarily occupied by a rice tower, with an adoring look.

By the time the food arrived, Amycus and Alecto had graduated to licking and biting their utensils. It took Maisie some effort to get them to use them for their intended purposes instead.

A short while later, after finishing her own meal, Maisie turned to see Amycus licking his plate clean. "Amycus, I told you to eat instead of lick, didn't I?" she admonished, though she didn't mean it.

"I have eaten," Amycus replied, "But now, my dear Maisie, it is time to lick."

And that he did, until Maisie paid the bill, took the hands of her husband and daughter, and told them it was time for cake and presents.

X

Amycus licked the frosting from three slices of cake, and Maisie couldn't say she minded.

After those festivities, she piled a mountain of gifts next to Amycus. "These are primarily from me," Maisie told him. "But a few are from Alecto, and this one is from Bella."

That explained the shiny turtle paper.

Using his caterpillar tongue, Amycus opened everything Maisie had purchased for him, including his new tongue brush.

"My dear Maisie," he said fondly. "I love it."

Maisie responded by kissing her husband. Alecto responded by telling them to get a room.

To prevent her from complaining about mushiness, Amycus began to open Alecto's presents. She had offered him a few lickable things, and...

"It's Ralph," he observed, glancing at the grain of rice his sister sometimes allowed him to have for special occasions. "Thank you, my darling sister."

Amycus opened his arms for a hug Alecto was glad to give him, and Maisie's heart melted at the tender display between brother and sister. The two of them were always so adorable.

X

Later that evening, after Maisie had administered Alecto's bath and taken her own, she stood in the living room taking down the tongue decorations. As nice as it would be to leave them up, Maisie knew Amycus would just lick them.

"Maisie?" came from behind her. Maisie turned, half-expecting Alecto, but she found only the man she had married.

Amycus ambled over and licked the side of Maisie's cheek, saying only, "Alecto is asleep. The night is young. Why don't we enjoy it?"

Maisie hesitantly looked from the decorations to Amycus and back again, prompting him to reply, "A little time alone with you would be a nice way to finish my birthday celebration, Maisie," he coaxed.

She sighed. "Anything for you, my licker."

"Thank you, my licker-lover."

It was settled. To Amycus, the best birthdays were filled with plenty of tongue, and ideally, they had a Maisie and Alecto to go with them.

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 **Reviews are always appreciated.**


	6. Dementor Shells

**Dementor Shells**

 **Written for the C/P Sells Seashells by the Seashore event.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Lucius would have braided his hair and had tea with the house-elves.**

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It truly was astonishing what the Death Eaters could get into on something as simple as a trip to the beach. An hour in, Lucius was already slathered in more muggle sunscreen than the Dark Lord had ever seen before, Severus was standing perfectly still and refusing to allow any sand or water near him, and Wormtail was allowing the Carrows to bury him in the sand so that no one would have to look at his ratty old swim bottoms.

(The last one, on the other hand, was not simple Death Eater mischief so much as a favor.)

As the Dark Lord relaxed under his wide umbrella and sunhat, he could vaguely make out Bellatrix's outline down by the shore, seemingly interested in the shells by the water. He watched with faint amusement as she lifted one and tentatively brought it to her ear, listening for something he did not know of.

Suddenly Bellatrix, with a small scream of alarm, dropped the shell to the ground, where it landed heavily in the sand.

"What is it troubling you so, Bellatrix?" Severus asked, still not moving an inch.

"That shell!" Bellatrix exclaimed, gesturing to it rather than risking lifting it again.

"What is wrong with it?" Amycus asked before leaning down and using his tongue to pat some sand into place.

Bellatrix, still looking thoroughly shaken, paused a moment before continuing. "That sound they make, it sounds like the dementors of Azkaban at their feeding time!"

Dolohov, who didn't quite believe this story, stepped forward and picked the shell up, setting his ear upon it. To his surprise as much as anyone else's, a haunted look crossed his features as he too released it. The same seemed to happen whenever anyone else tried to do as he and Bellatix had.

The Dark Lord certainly approved of the dementor shells, as they seemed to prevent any further shell exploration on the parts of his Death Eaters, and he knew by now that it wouldn't be long until something ended up in someone's foot.


End file.
